MEMOIRS OF A SLU…SHHKID: WK14

The memoirs of a slu…shhkid has been serving you for a while now…while some of you already know the score some of you would be newbees, so for you new converts here are the rules to read here. And for the regulars……get reading.

Wednesday 11 August 2010

Dear Diary,

7.15am – Traffic
For some reason, most of my best creative ideas so far came to me in traffic (This is me hyping myself as being creative) and i guess i should give a shoutout to LAGOS TRAFFIC.

Living in Lekki and working in Ikeja makes it mandatory for me to travel that distance ALONE,  Monday-Friday and since you can not have a conservation with yourself (I know some of you do) the only thing left for me to do is –THINK.

I’ve been seeing Shirls now almost on a daily basis and I think I’m developing stronger feelings for her.
That was not the plan but I really don’t have control over my emotions. I find myself thinking of her or looking at her BBM profile picture. Her pings put a smile on my face while her stubborn nature makes me want to kill her.
Shirls is fairly young but there’s nothing young about her body. Every time she walks into my room she gets a ‘S-T-A-N-D-I-N-G  O-V-A-T-I-O-N’ and no, I really don’t have to stand up with my entire body. A while ago, Shirls left her T-shirt at mine and once in a while I hug the T-shirt to sleep. I need a distraction because I’m about to lose my mind to Shirls and that would be unfair to the likes of Ada.

So, I decided to call Ada….

Ada: Buzor, Kedu?

Nobs: Did I wake you up?

Ada:`Eh mana nsogbu adiro

Nobs: I really don’t have any reason for calling.  I called to say ‘Thank you’ for being there all the time for me. Thank you for all the times that you’ve helped my mum with firewood and foodstuff. I also really appreciate the fact that you call me frequently even though I rarely return the favour. I pray that God will continue to bless and protect you in all your endeavors. You will be blessed with a wonderful man as husband. Thank you very much.

Ada: Buzor, are you leaving me? Did I do anything wrong?

Nobs: Nooo, I’m not leaving you.  I’m only thanking you for being such a wonderful person.

Ada: I didn’t do any of those things so that you can thank me. I did it for the love I have for you and if given the opportunity I would like to take care of you forever.

“ Silence”

Ada: Buzor, are you there?

Nobs: Yes love

Ada: Did I say anything out of line?

Nobs: No. It’s just that I don’t think I’m worth your love.

Ada: You are and I’ll give you the whole of me when we go abroad.

Nobs: When are we going again?

Ada: Whenever you are ready, Nkem.

Nobs: Okay.

Ada: By the way, I sent you Ukwa na Akpu through my cousin.

Nobs: Oh really. Thank you ooo. Let me leave you to sleep.

Ada: But I’m awake now and I’m happy talking with you.

Nobs: Don’t worry. I’ll call you later

I’m confused with my life, maybe I’m feeling this way about Shirls cos Ada is not close by or maybe I’m seriously falling in love with Shirls.

Oh Lord God, I soooo need Biola in my life right now. I’m almost sounding like a pussycat. Jisos!!!

Friday 13th August 2010

Dear Diary,

8.00am
I love Fridays and today is meant to be special cos I’ve got a date with a new ‘kele’ and a new kele is always a trip.
With a new kele you don’t know what to expect or what not to expect.

OLD KELE
With an Old kele you already know if she swallows or not.
You’ve seen the whole of her and usually you are not in a hurry to “go there”.
You will also know if she’s good a blowing things or just a spit making machine.
An old kele is just an OLD kele.

NEW KELE
A new kele is special but some are more special than the others.
When you meet a new kele, you would be wondering what her reaction would be if you try kissing her and when you finally do kiss her you would be wondering if she will stop you if you go for the Boobies straight up.
When you finally get her out of her clothes, you would be wondering, If she’ll take offense if you ask her to blow jnr. (As for me and myhousehold, I always ask and it determines how far we’ll go)
A new kele is a trip any day.

So this is how I met new kele.  Saw her at Marquee bending over at the bar to order a drink. I choked on my drink with what I saw and instantly walked over to her and the following took place.

Nobs: Hey, you may want to stand straight to avoid a situation.

Girl: Sorry???

Nobs: My name is Noble Igwe

Girl: *Extending her hand* Uloma

Nobs: I know you are here with your friends but I just want to ask for a favour.

Uloma: What favour?

Nobs: I work in advertising and I think you fit the profile a client is looking for.

Uloma: Hmm, okay…

Nobs: Let me have your number and I’ll call later. Btw, what do you do?

Uloma: I’m a model and a stylist. Here’s my card.

We chatted a few times and had agreed to meet today.

6.00pm-Maryland
Stopped over to see Daps and preview his new video to be premiered on Sunday before the BBA eviction party.

9.15pm
Left the mansion and called Uloma to send me her house address and she sent “No 106 Abike Suleiman Lekki Phase 1″. I got to the Island and drove straight to her street. Drove round for about 30 minutes searching for number 106 with no luck. I called her and she confirmed she was outside her house looking out for my car.
I called her back to inform her that I was leaving and that was when she said it;

Uloma: Hello

Nobs: Babes, Where are you na?

Uloma: In my house

Nobs: I may have to go

Uloma: Nobs, I gave you a wrong address

Nobs: WHY?????

Uloma: ‘Cos I spoke to my sister about you and she asked me to go read your memoirs and after reading it I don’t think I want to end up like Biola. Sorry, Nobs I gats to go.

Nobs: This is not fair

Uloma: Nobs, I really do like you a lot and I was looking forward to today but I don’t want to ruin my future.

Nobs: I’m mad that you had to give me a wrong address.

Uloma: I’m sorry, Nobs.

Nobs: Be good.

I left her “fake street” and drove straight to S bar to meet with G. I’ve not seen G in while and I was so happy to see her.
Dancing with G put me out of the sad mood and within minutes I was happy once again.

At some point I needed to use the loo and on my way a “Gatangwo” approached me. A Gatangwo is a senior ashewo but unlike the other ashewos that’ll wait for you to approach them, a Gatangwo comes to you to sell her market.

Gatangwo: Hey, brother!

I took a look at her and saw her battle marks. I thought she must have been in a fight with a cat but at a closer look I realized that those were stretch marks.

Gatangwo: Bros, I dey greet

Nobs: Hi, can I quickly pee?

Gatangwo: Okay bros

After peeing

Nobs: How can I help you?

Gatangwo: I come up and they no gree me entre.  Abeg, if you fit carry me entre and after we go follow go.

Nobs: Erm, follow go where?

Gatangwo: Your house na, abi you don marry? I feel carry you go my place.

Nobs: Sister, e go be next time. I no carry condom.

Gatangwo: I get for my bag.

Nobs: Next time, abeg…

Na wah ooo. When I don’t have money, they will not collect cheque and now they are the ones looking for me allover Lagos.

I went upstairs chilled a bit and left with Nnamdi for “Were you out this weekend?” pictures. From Marquee to Auto Lounge taking pics and feeling cool…..hehehehe.

3.04am-Auto Lounge
Sometimes one may think that due to the number of weddings that take place in Lagos that there would be very few single chics but each night I see loads of single chics with different married men- but still Single.

While moving about I bumped into Tope, a very old kele, we danced and one thing let to another before you knew it, she agreed to spend the night at mine.

On our way home, D’banj’s “Tongolo” remix came on some radio station and some lines got me thinking;
“How big is the koko?”
“Is the biggest koko”
“How sweet is the Koko?”
“Is the sweetest Koko”
Now, i’ve head heard rumors that Koko Garri mixed with Power Horse can make you “Endowed” so when I got home with Tope, I quickly dashed to the kitchen to get “Endowed” with Koko garri and Power Horse.

Before I went to bed all I heard Tope shouting was “Easy Nobs, I dey feel am for my womb”.

Please don’t try this mixture while waiting for the girl because if the chic fails to show up, your right hand would be in bandage the following day.

Saturday, 14th August 2010

Dear Diary,

9.00am
I woke with Tope beside me and her first words to me were:

Tope: Nobs, I don’t think I can stand up.

Nobs: Chai, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.

Tope left a few minutes and I headed to the EME-360nobs.com paintballing do at Elegusi beach.

11.20am
The Paintballing was so MAD and you just have to be on the look out for the pics exclusive to 360nobs.com.  I’ve attached a teaser for ya all.

9.00pm-Lekki
Got a call from Shirls that she was on her way to mine and I was mega excited.
Immediately she came in, I pulled her to give her a kiss but she pushed me off.

Nobs: Ahan, babes, what’s wrong?

Shirls: I went to for confessions and I don’t want you to defile my body before church tomorrow.

Nobs: Does that mean I can’t even touch you at all?

Shirls: Yes, Nobs!!!

Nobs: Hmmm, okay ooo.

Shirls: Nobs, it’s just one night na

We watched Big brother for a bit and at some point the devil in my boxers tried to come alive but the presence of the Lord in my house was too much for it.  We slept on the SAME BED and I did not touch Shirls all through the very long night. Maybe Shirls is the chosen one.

Sunday, 15th August 2010

Dear Diary,

9.00am
Chaa woke me up to drop her in church but instead Shirls suggested to drop her.
I stayed home to write memoirs, Shirls came home and prepared breakfast.

12.30pm
Shirls dropped me off at the salon and went to get my sister from City of David.

They came to get me from the Salon and when we got home, Shirls fixed lunch for everybody.
I don’t know what it was but Shirls totally changed my perception of her.

2.00pm-Galleria
Got to Galleria for 360nobs meeting with Oye and Bims but they were not there yet so I decided to walk around and that was when I saw the babe with the plenty chest hair. I swear her chest hair made her boobs look like two anthills in a lil forest. Talking about hairs. Do you know that if we were meant to “wash and set’ our pubic hair, Paloma of BBA would require a special dryer?

I went back to barcelos to wait and seating beside me was a lady with an image of a man tattooed on her arm but too much bleaching had given the man a green vein across his face. Na wa!! Dis beauty tin sha….

360nobs.com meeting was VERY long as usual (Bims I kid,I kid).

7.20pm-Rehab
Drove to rehab for the Y magazine launch and I was proud to be alive at this time. Met loads of young people but just as I was about to conclude that one can actually come to Rehab and not see the “Milo last kid standing” participants, this one walked past me with the black part of her ass showing.

I drove home with that image on my mind.
Got home, wrote this, forwarded to Bims and went to sleep.
Shout out to Pinky and the lady that stood me up.